Blog

Falling on Dead Ears

Deep inside a wooden chest lies a shoebox. Once as bright as a freshly picked tangerine now as milky as the inside of the peel. Formerly home to a brand new pair of shoes along with all the daydreams and hope of the future they might be a part of. Now imprisons the past. My past. Intentionally put in a place that is ever so slightly out of reach. Just enough to create a barrier between me… Me and her.

I open the bulging box, confetti of well wishes and love spews out from it.. They almost look like they’re gaining new colour as they breathe in the fresh air trying to capture my attention like a viperfish attracting its prey. I start to rummage through the scattered items that have broken free. A signed fashion show leaflet from when I was a child, a keyring filled with Tenerife sand that my sister got me from her first holiday, a pink playboy petrol lighter my mum brought me – the first and last lighter she got me, letters many letters from my family friends and birthday cards every birthday card I’ve received from the past ten years.

‘To George, let me know what you spend the money on, love dad’.

Tear drops balloon from my eyes before I can consciously understand why.

‘I’m proud of you’ ‘beautiful young woman’ ‘amazing’.

Words I don’t remember ever reading before. Had they been written all along? Why am I only seeing them now? Large droplets fall on my arms yet my face is stoic, my eyes are still first to know, to see what it is I am ignoring. I don’t want to ignore it anymore I want to breathe in the hurt. I want to drown in the knowledge that I didn’t see his efforts until it was too late. To accept that I was part of the problem. I want to grab him and hug him the way I should’ve the last day I saw him. I yearn for the satisfaction of a resolved ended. I have picked the scab of a wound but would I be able to see it scar? It is all I can do but twist my face, jerk my shoulders and rock my sitting body on the floor. To let the guilt seep out of me and hope that maybe just maybe he can hear me giving him the goodbye I should have given him 3 years ago to the day.

Teetering on The Edge

I dreamt I was dancing alone in the dark
floating in the silky scales of solace.
I was allowed to be all I could feel
free from the time once past and
fates to come.
He is whistling me a smooth tune
a setting song from the dusty moon.
Ribbons of sound curling from his lips
whispering to my skin, begging to let it in.
Wrapped in the delicate steam of his voice
I sway.
Parting my lips I gulped in his will.
His invincible thrum soaked into me
filling up on the delectable elixir
a new light seeps through
with a flash of electricity
it is done.

I Fought a Thought

A simple seed of hate planted in me
rooted itself firmly in my being
watered it with every beat of my heart
its gained strength through time
no longer a simple seed
but a forest.

With a canopy so dense with pain
little light can get through
nothing grows there but dead trees
grey crumbling skins, twisted contorted limbs
pulsing with sin.

There’s a darkness in me so vast
and yet shielded with another thought.
What if I can do this.
Living in hope for the day I can chop it down
rip up the roots
plant a new seed.
A seed of love

Truly

I can’t wake up from my nightmare charading as a dream
a perfect scene of a lovers quest to seem
and propose the ideal theme
of a time stood alone in defeat that he is here to rescue me
for you see it was but a dream
that he was there to set me free
a promise made with sand
it fell through an open hand
of deceit
yet I feat
I think I wake
only to find I am still in the seat
a throne of glass hearts
that beat
my fate
truly.

Acceptance

They say you accept the love you think you deserve
They say it comes when you least expect it
They say its all you can ever need
They say its worth it
They say its true
They say a lot
don’t they
Daddy told me it was a dream not worth having
Mummy says it’s exclusive

So what does it mean to me?
I cannot possibly see

there is a tragedy in love I yearn for
the lies quench my thirst
the cold soothes my soul
the indifference feeds my beast
the elusiveness affirms my belief
I ravish in the grand failure for the love that isn’t
the strength of a thousand men
cannot move the hearthstone
that would melt
under
a
single
tear
of
acceptance

Reflection Deception

I look in the mirror but I don’t see you
I see the truth in my disguise
sniggering silver fragments of reflection
stabbing the pleas of acceptance lifting the veil of hope
laughing a sticky cough at my desires
screaming “you’re a fool, nobody really cares about you, they lie because its funny to watch you fall”
when a tear of belief spills a whisper comes
you know I’m right, you know they lie, you know they pity, you know they haven’t chosen you, you know they never will, you know you’re not worth it, you know you’re disgusting. Pray tell why are you even bothering? You know you can’t do it much longer”

seeking the truth in the now
bubbles of blood droop from open flesh
vomit encrusted hair shadows the face
twisted bones in a contorted body face down in a ditch
this is your destiny, you know I’m right”
a silent scream permeates as I stab her away
YOU ARE NOT RIGHT (she shrivels to crumpled paper)… I hope (she stands again in the distance)
I pull the veil of smiles onto my face while she is weak.

I don’t know if I’ll ever defeat my need or masks
what I do know is I’m fucking trying.

La Tormenta

Watch me steal sustenance from the land. Watch me accumulate my mass with with divine grace. Watch me form with trepidation. Watch me create with foreboding.

The veil has been lifted, its time. Time to feel the air change and let the tangerine hue envelope you.

Enjoy the show because it’s all for you.

Watch as we swirl, glide and twirl into each others embrace, converging together in a harmonious dance of natures will.

Watch our entangling forms create structures of magnanimous proportions, organic sky scrapers engulfing the atmosphere.

We are falling down, down, down to earth under our weight.

Time is pausing an uncanny silence penetrates your soul, our collision course is set.

In a desperate bid to relieve pressure pearls of ice are released and fall in the thousands.

Bleak, dismal shades of grey set the scene, lighting is dimmed to maximise full effect of sorrow and tragedy to come.

Our voices, what began as simple chanting through soft blows of rustling leaves now bellow with purpose through make shift instruments. We whistle through your buildings. Clatter with your roofs. Creak with moving trees and pitter patter with the debris moving with us. Our dance of harmony turns into a battle of the skies. A marching rumble starts so deeply it can be felt more than heard, felt through the strands of hair that rise and prickle up you, until finally the two running sides meet and fall into one another. You will see the spoils of the casualties as electric blood penetrates through a communal artery before hearing our collected scream of agony, our entrails fall in heavy waves of persecution.

We fight again and again, blinding flashes of purple white and pink as our life force escapes followed by the imposing scream of torment. We are incapable of yielding to fatigue.

Our war can only conclude from the lack of available warriors. A hiatus of peace ensues as our bodies have been dissipated and torn apart. We are no longer in a position to stand and fight. The aftermath of our wrath is all that’s left to see. The damage of our battle being imposed onto the death of plenty.

We forced you to participate in the tragic show even though there are no winners or losers for we were opposing branches of the same tree.

Personal Intention

This is the excerpt for your very first post.

I had a thought that maybe it wouldn’t be that bad to share my personal poems and stories. I have always enjoyed exploring my creativity. I catch myself daydreaming, planning stories, unknowingly weaving poems and pondering lifes big questions most of the time. Yet I am terribly unconfident in my pearls of wisdom and suffer with an inability to maintain enthusiasm when deciding that I will get serious about blogging, to say this is my first attempt at a blog would be a lie. Hopefully this will be my final first attempt. Hopefully I will be more open and present. Hopefully I will enjoy this endeavor. Did you notice there are far too many hopefullys there I go again being non committal. I promise to make it my personal intention to achieve all I hope to. I will try to upload a new post every week. I will keep it simple for now with poems, then when i am in the swing of things I will make it more varied – add more stories and journal type entries. If I am real then may my light shine through.

I have somewhat tried to get this blog looking good I cannot dispute it is in its infancy please bear with while I get my bearings on personalising etc